Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You Might Also Like
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough