I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.