Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.