Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.