Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera