Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.