Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Who does Amazon think I am?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”