“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
this is the kind of friend i am
