“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
This could be us… but you playing
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet