Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
