guilty
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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
📽️movie date🎞️
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?