guilty
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
*aggressively waits in line*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
boys are so easy to impress
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.