Guilty! 🤪
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself