Guilty! 🤪
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined