Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit