Guilty! 🤪
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*