Guilty! 🤪
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“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
#winning
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.