Guilty! 🤪
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
#Thanos #MondayMood
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.