Guilty! 🤪
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😭😭😭
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Cndnsd Mlk
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
How to make infinite energy.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?