Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1632054372036165632/pu/vid/576x1024/3erzud5ygsWQ6a_J.mp4?tag=12

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.