Guilty! 🤪
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.