guilty
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Doggies just call it style.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?