Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You Might Also Like
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
seriously you guys
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
They also CAN sing✌️
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Breaking news:
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?