Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You Might Also Like
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*