Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.