Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I never needed anything more in my life
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”