Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.