Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet