Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.