Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

describing stardew valley