Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Fun Things

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN