Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.