<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You Might Also Like
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON