Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

craving $300 all of a sudden