Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

#SaturdayBears

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.