Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese