Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”