Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.