Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.