Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Current mood: Potato

I have taken up painting

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.