Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.