Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
You Might Also Like
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.