Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

bros in the example zone 😭

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

*jazz hands*

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.