Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense