Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
2000: “With our great minds, in the next 20 years we will be colonizing Mars.”
2020: “Gather round everyone, here’s a video on how to wash your hands.”
Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.