@gojarbe

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

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@Reverend_Scott

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

@MomofTeen

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

@hurlarious

I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous

@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

@hunbothered

2000: “With our great minds, in the next 20 years we will be colonizing Mars.”

2020: “Gather round everyone, here’s a video on how to wash your hands.”

@GlennyRodge

Just found out I failed my anatomy exam. I’m not happy but I guess I’ll just have to take it on the sticky out bit below my speak hole.

@Social_Mime

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

@Dustinkcouch

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

@briancthayer

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.