[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!