[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Who called it baking and not making love
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Saturday
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Its a hippotatomus
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.