Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
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They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
my one true gender
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
