Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys