Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”