Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

this is uni

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I used the label maker

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME