Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that