Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Time for evil

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise