Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Sing it!

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this