Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada