Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.