Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”