Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will