Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
The best shot in the history of golf