Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate