Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.