Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Doctors texting each other.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Pringles
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.