Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*