Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
![]()
You Might Also Like
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
![]()
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
![]()
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.