Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?