Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

There’s no “u” in narcissist

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

ㅤ

hey, alexa

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.