Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband