Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
You Might Also Like
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges