Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

I have many caverns

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,