Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.