guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
