guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
