Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.