GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
rebranding
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’