Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Printer ink is expensive

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Ummm

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards