Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?