Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.