Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Get off my horse you stupid moon

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.