Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair