Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared