Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

screw you

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.